"You ok?"

Lately an “are you ok?” is making me break apart into tears. Have you ever played Jenga? I tried typing it out to explain the game but it’s too long and complicated so if you don’t know, just Google it.

Anyway, yea.

I feel like a tower of Jenga that is at that point of the game where you don’t know which brick is gonna send it plummeting down.

I have so many other encouraging things written. Crazy fun posts about random nonsense that goes on in my brain. But all I have been able to really write at the moment to get off my chest is posts like these.

It’s like I’m on a couch expressing my feelings to an unknown therapist. I lay down on my bed and tap away at my keyboard. Usually, I like picking up my journal but it’s not as comfortable to write while lying down as it is typing on a laptop.

So hi, welcome to my therapy session. Might not be long, might go on for pages. I don’t know yet but here we go.

I’m tired. Just tired. My character is molding and being stretched. I’m learning so much and definitely being refined. I am learning things now that will prepare me for what God has for me in the future. It’s so simple to say but so difficult to actually walk through it. It is pretty painful. Wow I wish I could travel back to past me and slap myself across the face every time I complained about a minor inconvenience.

I don’t feel like myself anymore. It’s weird. Cause at the same time that I’m changing and growing as a person, a lot of how I used to be is falling behind. Good stuff too. Not just bad. I’m not as connected with people (though being an introvert that doesn’t come as a surprise).

When I was little, I was told that my name means "servant of God". So growing up, I took that meaning to heart. I have always loved to serve. It is what drives me at church. It's what feed my passion. My family would always have to remind me though, that I had to serve at home more. They were right. But it was just easier to do it at church. Now I’m learning to serve my family even more. Still learning of course. But I find myself home more than before. So, that means I am disconnected from the church more. I am literally doing the bare minimum.

Each week that goes by, I seriously nervously wait for the call to go into my supervisor's office and talk about my time at my desk. Which is barely. I can’t go above and beyond anymore. I never did it for recognition, cause it was mostly done behind the scene. Half of what I do is meant to give someone else credit. However now, I am trying to go above and beyond for my mom. Someone told me that caregivers are the silent heroes. I still think mom is the real hero. But yea. It’s not easy, but it’s an honor. How can I think of serving her as a sacrifice? It is most certainly not a sacrifice.

Still, I am tired. I won’t lie. I sort of passed out in the bathroom of the hospital once. Don’t worry I’m fine. Not sure what happened there. Probably should keep that stuff to myself but hey, this is supposed to be a therapy session right? It’s stressful some days. There’s tension. We’re all tense. It’s part of the journey. But we love each other, and we know that despite what we feel, our priority is the woman we all love. My mom.

I’ll try to have a better week so next Monday I can post something fun or encouraging.

Thanks for listening.

Or reading.

Yea, I’m gonna finish now.

Oh and thank you for the few people that check up on me every day or just kidnap me and take me out somewhere. They are very much needed and so very appreciated. Still learning how to reach out.