Unmasked

I don’t always like showing the vulnerable side of my life. I don’t like people knowing that there may be some nights where I cry alone in my room or driving down the highway in my car (crying in my car is one of my favorites, don’t ask me why). I don’t like people knowing that there’s been times when I’ll be floating in the water at the beach and tears just won’t stop rolling down my eyes. When I get out, I’ll say it’s the salt water making my eyes burn. One of the perfect excuses that anyone will believe. It’s not that I’m trying to mask my pain on purpose (or maybe I am) but it’s become a habit from life experiences and it just happens that way. I’m used to laughing off rude comments and joking about my appearance.

But yes, I like to show myself as a strong woman who knows her identity in Christ and is on the path to glorify His name. I like to be an example to girls around me to have a little bit of confidence in themselves and to go do incredibly great things. I like encouraging people to be who they are and embrace what makes them unique. That what other people say about them may not be what God says about them. I want them to feel secure in knowing that how they are defined by others doesn’t have to be what defines them.

Now, that is all well and true and of course that is how I am living my life. That is how I carry myself (on my good days). But quite often, I stumble with accepting myself as I am too (yes, it happens). There’s moments when I trip up and allow other’s perception of me to define me. Or I let an experience that made me feel less than what I am consume me. There are times when I feel like there may be something wrong with me because I see so many being pursued and finding a partner in life while all the while I am left falling behind like trampled weed.

(random reader: But Becca! Don’t think of yourself that way! You’re awesome!” Me to random reader: “I know. Shut up. I’m trying”)

Again, I know my worth and this isn’t so I can get comments or emails from people telling me to lift my chin. I know who I am in Christ, but that doesn’t mean the devil stops trying to find ways to sneak these kinds of feelings in my heart and whisper those stupid lies in my ears. It happens especially when I let my guard down and stop taking captive of all my thoughts in those moments. I will find myself wallowing and entertaining the way those thoughts make me feel. And there begins the internal battle of my mind. The battle field has been set and fighting has been commanded. It is in these moments where I find myself crying out to God, desperate to feel His joy.

I can definitely say I am blessed to know that I have been surrounded by His mercy and grace throughout my entire life. He has kept me and maintained me in this fallen and corrupt world. I have walked these 27 years with His hedge of protection around me. He has shown me my purpose and my path at such a young age. He has positioned me and promoted me to places I never imagined being in. I grew up knowing who my King is and the Kingdom He has invited me to be a part of.

I can freely share my heart to others and show them that it is possible to live a life fully devoted to God in a world that screams out the contrary. I can truly demonstrate the joy that comes from being grounded in my faith and knowing for certain the identity I have in Christ.

Still. It’s ok when the valley moments come. It is in our human nature to experience them. How can we know God’s grace is sufficient unless we need it? As long as we live in a fallen world, doubt and weakness will always be creeping at our door. Waiting for that moment when the door is cracked and unsupervised. However, it is up to us whether we hitch up our tent and stay in that dark valley or if we continue (tired as we are) our walk up to the mountain top knowing we serve a God who pierces the dark. He alone has the power to take us out of the valley so that we may experience the beauty of the Son shining at the top of that hill.

Be encouraged that your life is in the palm of the Almighty God who knows your beginning, your end, and everything in between. He is not finished with you so don’t you dare give up on yourself. There is purpose in everything you are experiencing. Trust in Him. Yield to Him. He will make Himself shine in your life if only you allow Him to.