The Caretaker

I haven’t been able to sleep properly at night for a while now. I’m exhausted but I can’t always fall asleep.

I feel so guilty for wanting to leave, to run away. To make this all stop. I want things to be normal again. I want to have friends come over and play games or watch movies. I want to be able to go out and have fun. I want to hang out. Some days I can. Most days I’m stuck. I can't remember the last time I went out with a group of friends. I miss community.

How can I dare justify how I feel though? How dare I compare my pain to what is taking place in the life of my family? What right do I have to complain when generations are dying in another part of the world?

Some nights, the guilt eats me up until there’s nothing left in me.

I'm not saying I don't want to be here. If I had the option to go out, I would still choose to be at home. I can't bare to leave my mom when I see the desperation in her eyes for the pain to stop. I couldn't think of possibly enjoying myself when I can hear the echos of her screams in my ears. Even at work, all my mind is focused on is her.

“Hey Becca, how’s mom?”

“She’s doing ok. We’re just believing for her complete healing and trusting in God.”

“Amen! Well, we’re praying for you guys!”

“Thank you.”

…………

“Hi Rebecca, how’s the family doing? Please let us know if there’s anything you need!”

“Thank you, I will let you know.”

…………

"Hey, hey!! How is momma? Tell her I want to see her up and kicking again! Sending you all the positive thoughts!"

"Thank you so much. I appreciate it."

What do I need? For her cancer to go away. How do you mention your need for emotional help? What does that even look like? A hug? A cookie? A tissue? A joke or a funny meme? How do I mention I just need some company? I’m behind on work and need to get back to my desk. Who knows how long I have here till I’m needed at home. Smiling feels fake, but it's all I can do.

When I get home, mom asks me, “How was work, mi niña?” I’m maybe half-way through a sentence before she starts crying in pain.

How do you care for a caretaker?

That's been my question all year.