No longer Sarah

There really are times when I genuinely question when certain things will fall into place in my life. I understand that we have to wait on God and He knows the right timing for everything and will bring about His plans in our life when the moment comes. But wow do I find myself watching the years go by and wonder.

“God, it’s not like I want to question you or anything but… you do know I’m not getting any younger right?”

I was having a conversation with my mom a few months back. I was just talking with her about different things and casually mentioned to her something that my pastor had said to me one day after church. She was really just encouraging me about the whole situation with the family and this cancer journey we’ve been in. She randomly mentioned how she really feels my husband is just around the corner. She told me to have a specific prayer for my mom to live long enough to meet him.

I listened but didn’t pay any mind. I mentioned it to my mom as a conversation filler (probably on the drive to one of her appointments) and really just laughed out loud at the thought. She asked me why I was laughing and told me I shouldn't laugh. You can’t blame me when it’s been years of people saying, “you will meet your husband soon, I know it!” Yea ok. Sure.

It’s become a cruel joke for me. I laugh at anyone mentioning anything about my husband appearing soon. (The fact that my mom will never meet him has me more broken than I thought). I would seriously make jokes about becoming celibate till death took me.

Then one day I thought of Abraham’s wife, Sarah, and it hit me. Well what do you know, I'm Sarah. There was a portion in scripture, where some men came to visit Abraham and told him that within one year, they will visit again soon and Sarah will have a child. She was about 90 years old. She overheard the conversation and laughed to herself, clearly doubting God’s promise. The LORD then asked Abraham why she was laughing, she became scared and denied it. I could spend a whole day talking about those few verses having now seen a mirror in that portion of Genesis 18. But the point here is that she laughed at a promise she though would never happen to her.

So a little bit of a transparency here. Sometime early last year maybe 2 years ago now, don’t even remember when exactly, I was watching my usual kiddos that I absolutely love with all my heart. I had one of them in the living room watching TV while I was putting the baby in his crib to sleep. As I was cradling him, about to put him down, I literally just started crying. It was a few seconds of ugly sobs and he was probably so confused holding his bottle. I put him down in his crib and just kind of sat on the floor for a bit. In my mind, I just started telling God how deeply I wanted a family; how badly I wanted to be putting my own child down in his crib.

It’s not that I didn’t enjoy taking care of them, but a part of me was tired of always taking care of someone else’s children in general as the desire for my own continued to grow (if you guys read this, please don't stop asking me to babysit, I still love it). My heart’s desire was for a family of my own. I was tired of people asking when I’ll get married and me laughing it off saying, “Oh you know, a thousand years from now!”

I talk so much about faith and not living in doubt, so why do I make an exception when it comes to this? I’m literally FILLED with skepticism in this area. I’ve basically shut my heart out in fear of love. So how do I expect God to bring me to someone, when I’m not even willing to open up?

See, I’m scared of compromising my calling to gain a husband, while at the same time I’m terrified of missing my husband because he may not look like what I’m envisioning us doing in ministry. It’s frustrating and hard because I want to depend on God but I want to know what I should be doing too. I can’t just sit at my desk hoping I’ll get a call to the front desk from someone who says they would like to do ministry in Africa with me. I've created expectations and I don't know if they're my own or God's.

Now hear me out, I don’t want to belittle the single season. There’s no shame in it at all because that is a crucial moment for you to grow and become whole as an individual.

I’m just sharing about a moment I’m sure we single people may go through every so often. Stop laughing at your unanswered promises. God's timing will come.