My Messy Mourning

Listen, let me just start off by saying that mourning someone is not talked about enough. For obvious reasons, you don’t want to talk about it and the people you let speak into you are close to none. There’s nothing you want to hear because there’s nothing that is said that will help. It goes in one ear and out the other or just completely over your head.

I’ve heard more about deaths in the last 2 years than I have my entire life. So, I think it’s safe to say that we should talk about grief a lot more. Be open about how it looks. It’s not pretty. It’s actually very ugly and messy and uncomfortable. And that’s ok.

It looks different for everyone. Very different. Let me explain some of the ones I’ve noticed or experienced.

Some like to jump back into routine and work their butt off to keep them distracted from anything that will bring them sad emotions. They smile through work and pretend things are fine. When asked “how are you?” their response is always an “I’m doing good”. They eventually crash and crash hard.

Some like to build walls, fences, moats, ditches, trenches, security systems, warning signs, and keep to themselves. “Stay away cause I don’t want to talk about it.” The wound starts to fester and get infected cause they refuse to let anyone see. It gets lonely and eventually no one is there to help when they actually really need it.

Some I would probably call human geysers. If you don’t know what a geyser is, it’s that fountain of water that shoots from the ground. These people have no problem showing their emotion. All their emotions. Lots of tears are involved. The thing is, it’s uncontrollable and it makes it hard to approach cause all they do is explode in emotion.

Some turn to drinking, drugs, anything they can drown their sorrows in and make them forget. It’s a little (a lot) frightening to be around them. They are unpredictable and have a tendency to push everyone away that may want to help.

Some I would probably describe as the never-ending loading sign when you’re uploading a file. It takes a while to process. The shock still hasn’t fully settled in and emotions are somewhat frozen at the moment. It feels confusing and you don’t know what to say to them. It may look like they are dealing with it ok but honestly they don’t know how to start.

Now I just want to add a quick disclaimer. I am not a therapist. I did not take any psychology classes. I am not a professional. What I am is a person who has had to mourn and experienced a few of these tendencies or witnessed someone who went through them.

I do have more empathy towards someone who is mourning, and I am more conscious of the questions I ask or the comfort I try to give. Honestly, at the end of the day, all you can really do is sit in the mess, get all the mud on you, and wait for them to say what they need. Learn to be uncomfortable until it’s not.

I was thinking of this being a book, but I don’t have the patience right now to write a whole book.

Yet.

So for now, these blogs are my best creative outlet.