My little girl dreams

This was a dialog I recorded of me talking to myself one night. It was December 19, 2018 at exactly 8:12 pm. Time and date is irrelevant.

The "conversation" lasted about 15 or so minutes which was basically the time it took for me to get from the church to a Barns & Nobles.

Fun fact: when I’m sad or feeling a little down, I like to go to bookstores and browse through the shelves while “accidentally” buying a few books.

Also side note, I had started doing another recording before this but I noticed it wasn’t recording yet so I had to start my thought process all over again. I hate when that happens cause I lose my train of thought. This is me typing out everything I had voiced out that day.

Ok.

Back to my monologue. (I was legit having an interview with myself like I was in a talk show).

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“I’m driving around. I’m sad. My eyes are blurred from tears so it’s a wonder how I can see the road. And I’m just voicing my thoughts. And the stuff that I was voicing was actually really good and really needed for me right now so I’m trying to see if I remember everything cause I really want to keep this for future records.

So basically, the topic I’m focusing on here today for myself and my future self is…… “the dreams of a little girl”. Haha wow, I’m seriously ridiculous because I’m thinking of a theme while crying about something. This would actually be a pretty cool book title too.

Anyway, as a little girl, well since the womb really, I had been marked for a purpose. The thought came from a book I had been reading called “The Mark” by Paul Yadao which was so good. I would recommend it to people but no one ever cares for what I suggest.

The book was talking about the different marks God had placed on His chosen nation. Mark of Blessing. Mark of Deliverance. Mark of Protection. Mark of Holiness. Mark of Promise. Different marks.

For me, from birth, my mom declared and marked me for a greater purpose, a greater dream, bigger than what I could have imagined for myself.

Most little girls grow up dreaming of, usually the same thing. One of them being their wedding day. Most little girls go around planning and imagining what it will be like to walk down the aisle. Not all, but a majority of girls play dress up and pretend to be brides or even future mommies.

My dream as a little girl was about when I would get on that plane and just go. Get on a plane and be a missionary and do ministry in a foreign land. Those where my little girl dreams growing up.

So going into college, I had one purpose and one purpose only. To go to Africa. Whatever it looked like, whatever I studied, whatever I did, everything would eventually lead me to the mission field. To the call.

I didn’t let anything distract me. Of course, things came my way to sort of sidetrack me at times. It wasn’t a perfect walk, but it was the only thing that really occupied my mind.

It wasn’t until the last few years that I started feeling that honest, “Hey, you know, it would be nice to have someone join me on this journey.” Like, a serious thought not just a back of my mind thought.

Not just do ministry by myself (even though I was so ready to leave everything behind). But I wanted a companion. Someone to share this dream with. Someone that shared my dream and I shared his. Someone that I could just do ministry with, together.

And so, as people came and left, I started seeing and wishing and dreaming and thinking. My little girl dreams turned into big girl wishes and wants and desires.

It’s not that I ever let myself get off the path but my mind shifted gears and started focusing on something else.

I started desiring something and wishing for more. Of course, it was still good and a Biblical desire, not saying that it was something bad. But once you start wishing for something and you don’t see it happening on your timeline, you tend to try to take matters into your own hands. (kind of like the Rebekah from the Bible and how she helped her younger son trick both his brother and father into giving him something God was going to give him anyway. Or Sarah when she saw she wasn’t getting pregnant so she tried to rush the promise by using her handmaiden).

I started thinking I was making right decisions while in reality I was rushing a gift God already had in my future (hopefully). I wanted something and didn’t care if it was God’s will or not at some point. I forced myself to think this was a part of God’s plan for me. This was one of the decisions I regret the most. Whether He has that gift specifically or not, in the way that we want it or not, we just still tend to rush a process and rush decisions and disregard timing.

And I just think it’s really important that you don’t lose sight of the path God has you on. That you don’t lose sight of your walk with Him. And even if you have NO IDEA what it is that you want to do in life and in ministry or your purpose or your call, it doesn’t mean that you start looking around looking for any other path that you think might suit you if it’s not the one God created for you.

The one and only path we can be sure of as Christians is that we are called to make disciples, point them to Christ, and bring glory to His name. That is our one and only path. The beauty of it is that, that path, translates into different callings for different people. Not everybody is the same. Not everybody’s map looks the same way, path looks the same way, or journey looks the same way. So, the important thing is not getting sidetracked from your path by looking at someone else’s.

The right people, the right things will come along into the path you are already on and are supposed to be on. God will bring who He needs to bring, He will orchestrate things and situations and circumstances into that blueprint of your life. All you have to do is keep on looking up, keep looking to Him, keep walking straight, because His path is straight and does not waiver. It is one clear path to bring glory to His name, whatever that looks like.

That is my little girl dream. As it should be. As it should have been. And as it always has to be. Until the day I die. My little girl wish is to honor my Heavenly Father and Glorify His name and His name alone. Whatever that looks like, is all up to Him. I simply wish to do His will. To walk towards Him as the spotless bride He came to die here for.

Don’t waiver from your path. Don’t take your eyes off Him. At the end of the day, He is all that matters and the One who should have the entirety of your heart. God is the only One that will care for you in a way that no one can even compare. God knows our deepest inner being.

God sees our heart, He sees our pain, He sees our joy. God is our joy. He sees you in the dark. He calls you by name and calls you His own. He calls you the apple of His eye. His precious child. He calls you beloved. At the end of our life, that is all we can take with us.

So let your little girl dreams be God’s dreams. Let your little girl dress up games be to clothe yourself in His righteousness.

Becca, keep your head up. There's more to life than this one moment.”