Mom’s cancer vs. My cancer

My mom’s cancer opened my eyes to some cancer of my own. Reading that first sentence obviously makes people read twice, or thrice. But yes, that’s exactly what I mean. Before I go further, I want to explain that I had the title for this blog a few months back actually. I think it may have been mid-June or July.

There were times when lack of sleep, chaotic circumstances, and minor inconveniences would get under our skin in the house or even with other people. I’d notice that I would respond more sharply than I had intended. Maybe I’d close myself off and ignore other people, or blatantly give someone the cold shoulder. I would say that I was just tired and didn’t notice or blame my introverted tendencies. Sure that was going on, but the reality was that it went deeper. It was cancerous.

Walking through my mom’s cancer for the last 11 months, I learned a few medical things about what it meant and what it did to a person’s body. Basically, cancer is a disease in which abnormal cells divide uncontrollably, invade, and destroy body tissue. I saw what it did to my mom’s body and it’s something I will never be able to erase from my mind. It’s horrible to watch and I can’t imagine how it must be to actually feel it.

Now when I say: “mom’s cancer versus my cancer”, I don’t mean it lightly. I want to actually talk about some characteristics that have those same cancerous tendencies. I saw bitterness, anger, resentment, ignorance, apathy, laziness, selfishness, pride, and entitlement all being a cancer I was allowing to grow inside of me. I was full of these fast-growing characteristics and it was invading my life and destroying what God was wanting to do in me. It was one day that I was sitting with my mom and scrolling through people’s stories and posts that I found myself feeling these emotions rising without any trigger. Really, it was almost all of them at once clouding my mind and I just started crying as my mom was sleeping. Rather than crying because of my mom’s condition, I was crying because I was allowing this cancer to consume me. How could I pray for healing over my mom when I was bitter towards my family? How could I ask God to take way my mom’s pain when I was resentful towards my friends? How could I tell my mom how much I loved her when I was lazy in caring for things around the house? How could I tell people about my faith in a miracle when I was apathetic towards God?

Cancer kills. If I let it, cancer can kill my calling, can kill my testimony, can kill my influence, can kill my potential, can kill my giftings, can kill all that God has planned for me. This type of cancer isn’t as noticeable, and can go undetected until it’s too late. I need to daily encourage myself to take some time to evaluate my heart and ask God to reveal my inner thoughts.

“Search me, God, and know my heart;

test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me,

and lead me in the way everlasting.”

~Psalm 139:23-24