Crippling

Grief has a way of crippling you. It makes it hard to move forward. Makes it hard to breathe. Makes it hard to hope. Makes it hard. Something I’ve learned; or made myself learn while grieving, is to simply push through when I can.

At work, I have moments where I can’t stop the tears and they tend to fall all day. But curriculum still has to be written, phone calls still have to be made, emails still have to be sent, meetings still have to be sat through.

At home, the house can feel so empty and lifeless and oppressing. But, dishes still have to be washed floor still has to be swept, bed still has to be made, food still has to be cooked, laundry still has to be folded, trash still has to be take out, mail still has to be looked through, bills still have to be paid. (I used this time to actually go through what I have to do when I get home -_-)

I may be grieving, but I still have to plan for my future, hang out with friends, laugh and have fun, pray for friends that are hurting, be there for someone that needs me. I may be in pain one day, but I am having to make my way to a friend who needs a shoulder to lean on during their own suffering. Another time, I’ve been in tears quite literally in the middle of serving during a time of recording something at the church. A staff member came up to me and asked me if I’d like to sit out on this one. I told her no.

See, if I let myself get crippled every time I felt grief, I would never move forward. I would never go to work. I would never leave my room. I would never strive for my goals. I would stop hoping. I would stop living. I would just stop.

I’ve seen videos of people who have gone through a tragic accident, and can no longer use their bodies. They go through surgery and a long healing process. Then they go through something called physical therapy, where they learn how to move again, walk again, function again. At times, I feel as though that’s what I’m going through. I’m learning how to walk again. Learning how to live again. Finding a motivation to take one step today. Maybe two steps tomorrow. Being ok with not being able to take any steps the next day. But trying again the day after.

I don’t know what life circumstances may be crippling you. Don’t deny your feelings, but don’t let them disable you.